Lawn of the Dead

“A lawn is nature under totalitarian rule.” -
Michael Pollan

Now keep in mind, I grew up in the inner city where we had zero lawn, trees, flowers, wildlife - on and on, etc, etc.. and the only green I did get to see was my brother’s face after a long night out with his friends, almost looked like the graffiti here:

So lawn care is very new to me, my one acre lawn and surrounding property sometimes has an African rain forest feel - very tropical.

We live down south in Crawfordville, Florida right in the heart of a federally owned wildlife refuge.

Lawns - not just for mowing

I thought mowing the lawn was the only maintenance needed in order to keep a neat and tidy lawn .........um, no! When we first bought the house we had a golf course, green lawn, beautiful – I pledged that I would always keep it in this shape and will cut it every other week, thats all I need to do to keep it in tip top shape, right? – How wrong was I in my city thinking.

I find out, the hard way there are many creatures about who also enjoy my lawn, creatures you can see and creatures you will never see. First sign of my problems were these little dirt mounds popping up.

At a closer glance and pushing the mound with my foot (sandals on) I realize that this was an ant mound, and not just any ant, fire ants

and these little buggers bite on contact, they waste no time in finding your skin and biting. It's never a single ant bite, my big toe had a family of 23 gnawing on it – I ran around the yard cursing the little devils while dragging my toes on the grass to remove them. My foot looked a little like this:

In the process, I finally find out the reason for this foot fashion:

Yea baby, never a naked foot on the lawn again!

So lesson one - Stay away from these hostile creatures and find a way to remove them. Hot water? I tried that and I think I may have embolden them as the very next day the little dirt piles multiplied. Through many trials and tribulations I finally found the right fire ant remover and have been fire ant free for a few months now.

I was again king of my lawn until one day during my daily inspection......

.......I see larger mounds on my lawn, this time just piles of dirt with no creatures inside, my lawn was looking like someone was digging for buried treasure and would dig a hole and another and another, just three feet from each other. It looked like my lawn was ground zero during a mortar attack.

What was it now!?

Yup, lawn moles, these little cute creatures were now snacking on bugs that were living beneath the soil. Not just your run of the mill bugs…but these….

So I spring into action again and think about ways to keep these moles off the property. Electric fence?..naw,…sit on my porch with a shot gun?..naw, I probably would hit the neighbor. So what did I do? - I Google it! And bingo, a remedy. I don’t go after the mole, I go after his food source - the bugs. So I read more and then with a swagger go to the local hardware store and buy this.

I played it smart (Yankees learn good) and waited for it to rain so the ground would be damp and then applied it to every inch of the lawn. The next day I look out and my lawn was a field of death, bugs of all shapes and sizes all came to the surface (I guess for their last breath) and then died. I felt bad, I then got to thinking, what have I done?! I have just upset the cycle of nature and what is in store for me, my lawn and the world?

Well over time the mound disappeared and the moles were gone. Soon to be replaced by another creature.

The battles go on. During one of my routine inspections, I now notice holes in the shape of triangles and they are all over the place. “What the heck is this now?” (I think I used stronger words) These holes were really precise, almost looked like a tool was used to make them and some were VERY deep. As with the mole, I never did see this creature but local pest control people told me it was the ever popular………

….looking for food

Armadillos are slow creatures and blind as a bat! Well, come to think of it I do see armadillos plenty down here, but only like this:

Well, I had to retreat my lawn again with the bug remover and over time these holes too disappeared.

The learning never ends......

One day my work mate asked me what kind of fertilizer I use on my lawn. “ do you use a 5-10-5 or a 8-0-24?” he said, So I am thinking, oh great, a math question.

Not to look like a complete idiot, I think I mumbled “the second one” and then ran home to do the research:

You can also get fertilizers that contain only one of each of the primary nutrients. Nitrogen sources include ammonium nitrate (33.5-0-0), urea nitrogen (46-0-0), sodium nitrate (16-0-0) and liquid nitrogen (30-0-0). Phosphorus is provided as 0-46-0 and potash as 0-0-60 or 0-0-50.

To calculate the pounds of nitrogen in a 50-lb bag of 10-10-10 fertilizer, multiply 50 by 0.10. Do the same for calculating the amounts of phosphate and potash. A 50-lb bag of 10-10-10 contains a total of 15 lbs of nutrients: 5 lbs nitrogen, 5 lbs phosphate and 5 lbs potash. The remaining weight is filler, usually sand or granular limestone.
Another example:
50-lb. bag of 8-0-24 fertilizer

1. To calculate the pounds of nitrogen: Multiply 50 by .08, which equals 4.
2. To calculate the pounds of phosphate: There is no phosphate in this bag of fertilizer.
3. To calculate the pounds of potash: Multiply 50 by .24, which equals 12.
A 50 pound bag of 8-0-24 fertilizer contains a total of 16 lbs of nutrients: 4 lbs nitrogen, 0 lbs phosphate, and 12 lbs potash. This would leave us with 34 lbs of filler.

So needless to say my head is now spinning and a new fear has just come over me. I don’t have any clue what I just read but I know I must fertilize my lawn or it will die. So I did fertilize and........ it did die!!

My lawn was brown within weeds, queue the tumbleweed song.

Yup, too much fertilizer is not good. Over time I did get the right mixture, I went to the local hardware store and talked with the owner. He said, always get the blue bag. Now these are instructions I can follow!

It took the lawn some time to recuperate from this overdose, but I nursed it back into shape over time.

Don't ever let your guard down.........

....just when you think you are safe and feeling king of the lawn again…..”weed seeds” blow in from all sorts of surrounding trees and plants and will infest your lawn.

This is a true battle of plant and mind. There are many ways to fight weeds, I prefer the pump spray versus the weed wacker as the wacker only prolongs the inevitable, total weed domination of your lawn.

I am exausted after writing this as I played through my head all the memories of my adventures above. My lawn has never been back to that golf course look, but I do have ambitious hopes and have this vision in my head for my lawn.